MY FAVOURITE JOKES

I guess all the jokes on this page have been around for a long time. These are the ones that have stuck in my brain cells for decades or at least many years.

Joke 1 - An Old Joke

An elderly married couple were being visited by some friends, who were also an elderly married couple. After lunch they decided to go for a walk.

The two men walked side by side, a few paces ahead of the two women, who were deeply engrossed in conversation about the effectiveness of anti ageing creams.

One of the old men said to his friend, "You know last night we went to one of the best restaurants I've ever visited, the food and service were fantastic. You should both go there some time, it is a very romantic place to take your wife to dinner".

The second old man replied "That sounds great, where is it? What is it called?"

The first old man thought for a moment and then admitted "You know, having married late and having been married to the same woman for over fifty years, I've reached an age where my memory is not what it used to be. You'll have to help me here. What is the name of that red flower with a thorny stem, that men give to their loved ones on Valentines day?"

The second old man replied "I guess you must mean a rose?"

The first old man nodded and said "Yes that's it, a rose".

He then turned his head and called to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?".

Joke 2 - A French Joke

An elderly English man who wore a monocle, was travelling in a first class compartment on a train and found himself sharing it with another man, who he soon learnt was French.

The English man who was rather proud of his command of the French language, looked around for something he could use, to impress the French man with.

He spotted a fly.

Pointing to it, he said the to the French man "Le mouche".

The French man replied "Non, non, c'est la mouche".

The English man's monocle fell into his lap and he exclaimed "My my, what extraordinary good eyesight you French people have !".

Joke 3 - A Blond Joke

A blond was walking through a forest, when she suddenly found her way blocked by a river.

She could see no way to cross it, but she did spot another blond on the other side.

She cupped her hands and called over "How do I get to the other side?".

The other blond called back "You're already on the other side!".

Joke 4 - A Religious Joke

Three priests were holding a meeting. One of the items on the agenda was about the distribution of money collected during services and how that related to their pay.

The first priest said "I split the money into two piles on the basis of one for me and and one for God's work".

The second priest said "I feel a bit guilty to admit this, but in our church the salary is very low, so I split the money, two for me and and one for God's work".

The third priest assumed an expression of disgust and said "I don't know how you both live with yourselves. I put all the money in a sack. I throw it up into the air and shout 'God take what you want'. I only take what is left when the sack comes down again".

Joke 5 - A Hell of a Joke

A sinner dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The Devil says to him "You have sinned all your life, for which I'd like to thank you".

"Of course Hell is not a pleasant place, but for your great services, I would like to offer you some options, as to how you would like to spend you imminent eternity in torment. I will show you three rooms and you can decide, which one would be the best one for you".

First the Devil showed the sinner a vast room, which contained millions of other sinners standing on their heads on a cold marble floor. The newly condemned sinner thought "Wow that looks like a really uncomfortable way to spend eternity".

He said to the Devil "Please can I see the next room".

So the Devil showed the sinner another but even vaster room, which contained billions of other sinners, standing on their heads on a warm wooden floor. The newly condemned sinner thought "Wow that looks like a really uncomfortable way to spend eternity, but wood looks a bit softer than marble, so that's where I'll choose, if the third room doesn't look better".

He said to the Devil "Please can I see the third room".

So the Devil showed the sinner another room, which was relatively small and which contained only a few hundred thousand other sinners.

The newly condemned sinner gagged at the over powering stench. This room was full of sinners who were standing upright in pig's excrement. The shit came up to their chests. However they were drinking cups of coffee.

The sinner asked the Devil "Is it OK for me to talk to some of the inmates here?".

The Devil replied "Be my guest".

So the sinner called over to some of the nearest condemned souls "Does the coffee here taste good?".

They all agreed that it was delicious.

"What sort of coffee do you get?' called the sinner.

"Long black, latte, cappuccino, luwak, alamid, cut chon, expresso, in fact any coffee you could possibly want" was the shouted response.

The sinner turned to the Devil and said "I love coffee. I admit that I detest the smell of pig shit, but at least it would be warm and no doubt I would get used to the smell over time. Please condemn me to eternity in this room".

The Devil granted the wish and the sinner took his place near the back of the room.

Two minutes later the sinner was standing up to his chest in sloppy warm stinking pig manure, sipping a cup of Kopi Luwak. He thought "Wow, considering the terrible things I've done, this isn't bad".

A few seconds later the Devil, who was now brandishing a red hot trident, shouted "OK - the coffee break is over. Get back on your heads".

Joke 6 - A Dog of a Joke

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was a delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!".